I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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