note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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