My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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