Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it was like eating out sand paper
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
