I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
