you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
