just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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