My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
