i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
