she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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