That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
