I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
