my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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