alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
