I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
