if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize