All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
