I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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