my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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