I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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