She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
