In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
