If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
