There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
