so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize