The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize