don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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