dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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