I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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