Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
