Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
