Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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