If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I queefed so loud it echoed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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