can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize