Your mouth is God's brothel.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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