i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
