Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize