I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
