i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize