Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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