I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
