just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize