Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
