Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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