today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
