I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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