I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
