She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
