I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
