Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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