I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize