i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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