wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
