i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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