i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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