god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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