I accidentally had phone sex last night
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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